These days, we’re all trying to find a better way to cope with our intense emotions. One minute you’re feeling anxious, the next minute you’re feeling angry, and before you know it, you find yourself in a downward spiral of all the feels. So, what do you do to help honor your emotions without letting them run your life? Emotional sobriety may be the answer. But… what is it, exactly?
The concept first appeared in Alcoholics Anonymous to help people master their emotions without turning to substance abuse to cope. “Emotional sobriety is the practice of regulating emotions in order to reduce risk of substance use, relapse, or other undesired behaviors,” says Kassondra Glenn, licensed master social worker (LMSW). “It is an important aspect of the recovery process, as overwhelming negative emotions are a risk factor for substance misuse.”
According to Glenn, the process is used differently depending on how far along the individual is with their recovery. Early sobriety may involve more distraction to regulate emotions, as the most important factor is to avoid engaging in substance use. Later sobriety may consist of deeper rethinking of emotion regulation skills and developing sustainable, long-term emotion regulation skills.”
If you’re curious about emotional sobriety and how it might help you, whether you’ve decided to do “Dry January” or are just hoping to get a handle on your emotions, keep reading.
What does emotional sobriety look like?
“Emotional sobriety refers to the self-work — therapy, coaching, self-care, spirituality — that supersedes the act of abstaining from substances alone,” says Dr. Janelle S. Peifer, licensed clinical psychologist. “In 12-step programs in particular (like Alcoholics Anonymous), they acknowledge that the substance use is really smoke to a much more persistent fire and that people have the underlying characteristics of addiction that shape their experience even when sober.”
With this in mind, something like getting sober is one part of the overall process of recovery that is more holistic, explains Peifer. “In this work, you may interrogate what traumas, unhealthy patterns, and unfulfilled needs underpin the drive towards problematic substance use. Those variables continue even when you stop the target behavior. Emotional sobriety encourages us to dig deep to understand what drives risky or problematic behaviors, and address the source.”
Does emotional sobriety have applications outside of recovery?
Krysty Krywko, a coach and the founder of Purple Dog Sober, tells Scary Mommy she “absolutely believes” there is room — and the need — for emotional sobriety outside the recovery movement.
“The past few years have been exhausting for everyone, and in my opinion, we’re all recovering from something,” she says. “Emotional sobriety leads to stronger and faster healing, because you’re peeling all the layers away and allowing yourself to truly feel and respond and process your emotions.”
How does emotional sobriety do this? According to Krywko, it starts when you allow yourself to feel your feelings, acknowledge them, process them, and then move on.
“The more you’re able to do this, the more resilience you build,” she says. “In the recovery community, there is very much a clear line around emotional sobriety, meaning you’re not turning to drugs or alcohol to numb yourself; instead, you’re staying sober and dealing with what is happening. I feel that there are many people outside the recovery community, especially over the past few years, who are not allowing themselves to feel or to process. They are numbing with drugs, alcohol, online shopping, Netflix, work … all the things that get in the way of having to sit with and deal with emotions.”
How do you practice emotional sobriety?
Dr. Heather Browne, a California-based therapist, says there are three components suggested to assist in understanding, dealing with, and experiencing emotions that individuals can apply to their daily lives, explaining, “This results in building a healthy emotional life where the present is accepted, and struggle and grief are seen as areas for growth.
- Mindfulness: “A committed practice to being aware and engaged.” Folks might want to implement a mindfulness meditation practice or explore what mindfulness means to them.
- Exercise: “To free the body of tension and build up.” Remember, exercise can be anything from taking a walk around the block to dancing to rock climbing. Choose the activity that you’re most interested in so you’ll stay committed to it.
- A supportive network: “This is so there are others available to assist whenever emotions are tough alone. This could be utilized anywhere emotions are not explored and embraced.” Don’t forget to lean on those trusted members in your circle of friends and family and explore opportunities where you might be able to find additional support and community.
While Peifer says she thinks emotional sobriety has resonance for those outside of the recovery community, the work behind it needs to be profound and honest to see real changes. “We can make behavioral changes or even pursue some surface-level self-care, but without acknowledging the core dynamic that led to harmful decisions (e.g., overeating because we feel abandoned, drinking because to mask trauma symptoms, having risky sexual encounters to combat deep-rooted feelings of worthlessness), we’re bound to fall into similar patterns.”
Which is why working with a professional might be the first step in bringing emotional sobriety into your healing journey.
