In so many ways, my husband is an incredible dad and co-parent. His patience with our kids is unbelievable. His career in education has equipped him with tools and knowledge beyond what I could even begin to learn from parenting experts. Not to mention that he is without a doubt the quintessential “fun parent” who can elicit adorable giggles from our two girls practically on command.
When it comes to the mental load, however, much of it falls on me. This situation is in no way uncommon; I am one of many women who are constantly managing a mental to-do list for their kids and feeling exhausted by the responsibility. In my case, the difference is that this enormous weight doesn’t fall on me by default or due to weaponized incompetence. It’s because my husband is autistic, and his brain works in very specific ways that make the mental load especially difficult for him.
His brain wiring causes him to become overwhelmed with things, such as remembering acquaintances’ names, remembering the correct dryer setting for laundry, and opening and sorting through a pile of mail. It’s not that these are simply hard for him, in the way that they’re hard for everybody. He has spent his life coming up with systems and processes to help him accomplish things that seem to come fairly easily to others.
I know this sounds like an epic excuse, and trust me, in our nearly eight years of parenthood, I’ve thought the same thing more times than I care to admit. As someone with ADHD, staying organized and on top of things is not exactly easy for me, either. When I miss an important appointment or forget to dress my kids up for pajama day, I feel like a complete failure. Sometimes, I get downright angry because it feels like my brain is wired to actively work against me.
But that experience is also exactly why I have so much sympathy for my husband when it comes to the mental load.
He built a whole bunch of automations into our life to help streamline things. For instance, much of our home has smart features and custom routines that do things like lock the front door, close the garage, and turn off the interior lights when we go to bed. It’s a luxury for me, but for him, it automates a process he would otherwise find very mentally draining. This is just one of the many routines that most adults do on a daily basis that become second nature to us. Imagine having to either come up with a system or reference a checklist for practically everything, including your kids’ routines and needs. That’s the mental load on a whole different level. And that’s what he already lives with, on a daily basis.
What makes this even trickier is that even a minor deviation in a routine throws him off, because it completely changes his process, causing him to spiral. Of course, he’s an adult and has lived long enough to know that things happen and he is expected to adjust, but that expectation doesn’t mean the situation is any easier to cope with. He just relies so heavily on his processes and routines. Now, when you toss the mental load of kids into the mix, it’s practically asking for a daily spiral because their routines and needs constantly evolve.
As our kids are getting older, their calendars are becoming more complicated and there are fewer and fewer regularly scheduled events and needs. They both have to wear sneakers to school on gym day, but gym day changes every week, and they never both have gym on the same day since they’re in different grades. There are spirit weeks and fundraising events that their school usually gives very little notice for, but require parent help. There’s also constantly changing clothing and shoe sizes (which are even difficult for me because our daughters are close enough in size that it’s hard to keep up with). Then, of course, there are playdates and birthday parties that throw off our regular routines. And, as most parents know, this is only scratching the surface of all of the little things we have to keep track of for our kids.
I’m not going to lie: it’s incredibly exhausting having these things fall on me, and there are times that I get really frustrated with the situation. When things are also hectic in my personal or work life and I’m expected to juggle it all, I can feel downright resentful. I have to constantly remind myself that as hard as these things are for me, they’re significantly harder on him.
At the same time, once I push past the in-the-moment frustration, I remember that my husband’s need for routine is actually very, very helpful. Our kids’ lunches and backpacks are always packed and ready to go before the girls are even dressed for the day, and he always has reminders set for when it’s time to schedule a yearly well check, which is especially helpful with my ADHD.
Every Sunday, like clockwork, he takes the kids out for a few hours to give me some time to relax alone, a break that I can look forward to all week. Outside of parenting, his neurodivergence has opened up my world in ways I would have never expected, and his ability to embrace his autism has encouraged me to go easier on myself when it comes to my ADHD. I love watching him light up when he talks about one of his passions, and I don’t know that I’ve ever met someone more accepting of others than he is. His autism doesn’t define him, but I would argue that it is part of what makes him a fantastic partner to me and dad to our little girls.
Ashley Ziegler is a freelance writer living just outside of Raleigh, NC, with her two young daughters and husband. She’s written across a range of topics throughout her career but especially loves covering all things pregnancy, parenting, lifestyle, advocacy, and maternal health.
