For the parents with strong-willed, deeply feeling, or neurodivergent children, the after-school battles are real. After a full day of, “do this, do that,” and all they want is just to come home to a safe space and decompress.
Sometimes, I am so guilty of hounding my daughter with questions right after school. She typically shuts down. One dad and parenting podcast host has a great trick for bringing regulation back to our kids who just want to shut down after a long day of school.
“So many of you have strong-willed, neurodivergent ADHD kids who are tapped out mentally and emotionally and socially at school, probably by like noon or 2 p.m. every day,” he (@calmparentingpodcast) begins.
“Why? Because everything is out of their control at school. They don’t really control what they do, where they go, where they sit, and people are telling them what to do all day.”
He says that when our kids get home from school, we need to fight every urge to ask questions and get on them about homework. Instead, we need to give them a sense of control.
“So, when they get home, instead of getting on them right away about things, give your kids something they feel in control of. We used to do these after-school camps for kids, and they’d come in, they’d be really bossy with me. And so my initial response inside was, ‘Well, you’re a bossy little jerk. No wonder you don’t have any friends.’ But that was just me being a jerk,” he continued.
“You know, the whole day, everything was out of this child’s control. So I’d say, ‘Oh, you know what? In the basement, there’s a broom that’s broken. Do you think you can find some duct tape down there and fix it for me?’ I gave the child something he or she was in control of, something tactile. They could build. They could fix. They could make. Give them things they can organize. They can sort. That is very, very settling for your kids.”
He says that it’s okay to still give kids something do that’s not just staring at a screen, but that task needs to be something that doesn’t remind them of school at all.
“Give them an adult-type job, not a homework-type thing. Do a treasure hunt outside. Bet you can’t find this. I hid it in the backyard. They get fresh air. All those things are really, really cool for your kids after school because it just calms them. It’s a nice introduction to the afternoon and evening,” he concluded.
This advice seems so obvious and yet, so many of us struggle with the after-school meltdown with our kids. But isn’t this “chill time” what we, as adults, need as well? There is something meaningful and fueling about taking a second to calm and reset after coming home from work. So, why wouldn’t it be the same for our kids?
