Resentment is a common issue in marriages — one partner wrongs the other, and the other party can’t manage to forgive and forget what happened. Over time, anger builds into resentment, and unresolved fights become much bigger problems.
This is definitely the issue over on a red-hot Reddit’s Am I The A**hole thread, in which a husband and dad wonders if he’s being a jerk for telling his wife she needs to get over the fact that he missed their child’s birth.
Is he in the wrong for missing the first moments of his child’s life? Or is she in the wrong for not being able to let go and quell her anger? Or is it a little of both?
The husband and new dad wrote in to ask if he needs to double down or make an apology.
First and foremost, he explained how he missed his baby’s birth.
“I work in a job where they are certain times that I do not have access to my phone or I I am in the middle of nowhere,” he begins. “These times are well scheduled in advance and basically take up my whole day. There are a ton safety regulations I have to follow during this time.”
And then he added that the baby came significantly early, making it pretty impossible for him to be present.
“My wife was pregnant and at the time I planned to take off work near her due date,” he writes. “Unfortunately she went into labor early (about a month early) and I was on an inspection. I only learned about her going into labor when I got signal again. By the time I got to the hospital she has already given birth.”
Now, it’s been 18 months, and the missed event is still, understandably, an issue for his wife.
“This was about a 1.5 years ago and I am involved father,” he continues. “The issue is every single time we have an argument she will bring up I missed the birth. It happens almost every single time form serious arguments to what fastfood should we get. Today was my breaking point, we got into an argument about her wanting to change the daycare situation. She wants to change daycare to one closer to the home. I do drop off and she does pick up. The only one closer to our home is too expensive and we can not afford it.”
Then, the old hurt came out.
“In the middle of the argument she pulled out I wasn’t there for the birth again. I told her she needs to get over that and stop using it in every fucking argument we have. She called me a jerk and left.”
The poster adds that when they talk in between fights, she’s not upset about the situation.
“She claims she is fine that I missed it when she is calm but it still always pops up during an argument,” he adds.
So, who’s the jerk? Down in the comments, most people agreed that while her anger is absolutely understandable, the couple’s going to have to work together in order to move past the unfortunate incident.
“You should discuss this in depth,” reads one popular comment. “I get the impression from your post that you believe that she thinks you were a bad father for not being there. But she probably brings it up all the time because she felt so vulnerable and alone without you. But: It was really, really bad luck how things went down: a month early and on a day with no signal.”
“Have you thought about couples therapy? She has unresolved anger towards you,” another person writes. “I think you need a professional to sort this out.”
Besides many people recommending couple’s counseling, a number of others mentioned that her anger might be coming from somewhere else in the marriage. Or that birthing the baby alone was so traumatic that she still needs to process it.
“I recommend counseling to hopefully work past this because her continuing to bring it up for this long is a sign that something else is really the issue,” says one commenter. “Does she not want you working that job? Is she deflecting from some other marital issue? Does she think you aren’t involved enough?”
“I understand you had no chance to be there,” another writes. “But as somebody who went through birth almost alone (covidtime husband was only allowed in after a amount time but they were so busy and leaving me alone midwife etc came when baby was already coming (nobody thought it would be that fast). He made it for the last push and saw the birth but the situation itself was highly traumatic to go through it alone when the plan is to have your partner next to you. Maybe you need an outside person to help both of you navigate.”
The bottom line here is that unresolved anger and resentment can really fester in a marriage unless it’s dealt with head-on. Here, it seems like the wife might be understandably hung up on her birth experience. At the same time, the husband might not understand the depth of what she’s feeling — and sees it as an unfair fight tactic.
A good long talk, with or without a professional, might be the best way toward a solution.
