By now you’ve probably heard of “default parenting” — when one parent in the family takes on most of the responsibilities of raising kids. It usually comes up in conversations about the mental load, or the invisible load, of running a household: remembering to buy toilet paper and put it in all the bathrooms, that next week is Spirit Week at school, and the dog needs its yearly shots soon. Statistically speaking, moms are most often the default parent, a title that comes with burnout, stress, rage, and resentment if left to fester. So, here’s how to fight against having a default parent in your household, with tips and scripts from maternal mental health experts.
Being the default parent encompasses so many things, says Dr. Elisabeth Crain, a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles. “It’s the physical needs of the children from clothing to school lunches, to scheduling activities and things like that. But the other piece of default parenting is the emotional component. That parent is who the children scream out for when they need something or the children capitulate to in a state of stress.”
Even when both parents work, the mom is still usually the default parent, Crain says. Both stay-at-home and working moms who are default parents are particularly vulnerable to chronic stress, burnout, and a buildup of resentment for their partner. Being a default parent “erodes” a person’s overall mental health, she notes.
According to Dr. Jill Garrett, a psychologist at Baptist Health Jacksonville and program director of The Motherhood Space, a maternal mental health program, it’s important to recognize that default parenting is real and harmful. But don’t just sit in that feeling of injustice — take it as a sign to redistribute some responsibilities. “It’s kind of a cue that we’ve got some unmet needs that are going on. I’m overwhelmed. I need more support. I need to check out more. I need to take care of myself differently,” she says.
How to fight against having a default parent in your family
Do some self-reflection.
Check in with yourself and ask, Is there anything about me or my family history contributing to this that needs to be addressed?
“We’re familiar with the fact that traditional societal, cultural biases are what are probably responsible for a lot of this. But if there are other things that can contribute to it, like perhaps a person’s own guilt or anxiety or perfectionistic tendencies, it’s nice to be able to have a grasp on that piece,” Garrett says. “It’s also helpful to notice how our own families were when we were raised. Were we used to having one person be the default parent and the other person do X, Y, and Z responsibilities?”
Start the conversation with your partner on the right foot.
It can be hard to start talking about your mental load, especially if you’re worried your spouse might get defensive. Don’t come into it with a list of things they never do — instead, approach them with how you’re feeling.
“Instead of, ‘I’m doing all this stuff, you’re not doing this,’ it might be better received if a person says, ‘I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. I’m feeling really burnt out. I’m totally crispy,’” says Garrett. She says the Fair Play documentary brings up the idea of just asking to check in, keeping it neutral and collaborative, almost like a work project.
Here’s a script from Garrett: “Hey, can we sit down and evaluate what the demands are right now? We’ve got a lot on our plates. You’re doing a ton of things. I appreciate what you’re doing, and I know I’m doing a lot too. Let’s put our heads together; what can we do to make it easier?”
Create a shared vision with your partner.
Garrett says it’s normal for most big systems to have a point person, and it’s natural for families to do the same. But when it starts negatively affecting the default parent, it’s time to rebalance things.
“It’s reasonable to start with the fact that there is such a thing as a default parent. It tends to fall, in traditional relationships, on women and mothers, and it’s not fair. Let’s work to dismantle that and support each other. Our parents, the generation before us, it was a little different in how things worked then. But here we are, I’m working for pay, you’re working for pay, we have these kids, we have these responsibilities. What can we do? And let’s come up with that answer as a team. It’s going to serve not only me but you and us as a couple and, in turn, our family.”
Finding a set time to sync up can do wonders, Garrett says. “In my house, it’s Sundays at 10. The kids are asleep. Let’s check in and look at the week ahead. You’re doing this; I’m doing that. Can you take this on? When am I taking a break? You’re taking a break at this time. Let’s do something together then.”
Take stock of everything it takes to make your household run smoothly.
Whether you make a big list, try the Fair Play card deck (Garrett likes this tool), or break out a whiteboard and red strings like a CSI detective, find a visual way to lay out all the tasks that need doing in order for your family’s needs to be met.
Identify who does what. Keep what works, and delegate what irks. Make a side-by-side list of all your tasks and sort them into columns, if that helps.
Here’s Crain’s way of thinking about it: “‘OK, I’m really good at scheduling the kids’ activities. It doesn’t stress me out too much, so I’m going to stick to that. What’s not working for me is having to do all the meal planning. I need someone to pick up a few meals a week or something to be delivered. I can keep doing this, but I really want to not keep doing that because it’s contributing to stress, or it’s leading to resentment.”
Prioritize the changes that will help you most.
Not every little task is worthy of discussion right away, Crain says. If you’re burnt out, you need to “triage the situation.” Maybe you go to Costco every week and it’s not the worst thing in the world — you have a good beat on what in the pantry needs to be restocked anyway. But shuttling the kids to weekend sports, or doing all of the meal planning and prepping, that’s putting you over the edge. Maybe what you really need is to carve out a little alone time on the schedule.
“What are the most important things that you’re needing? Determining those needs, express them productively, and then implementing them,” Crain says.
If you and your partner try to shake off your default and backup parent roles but aren’t successful, both experts say a couples’ therapist can be a helpful third party. Maybe your communication needs some tweaks or there’s an underlying issue to address, but help exists.
The experts also agree that the invisible load of parenting will probably need to be redistributed many times over your family’s life together as everyone’s needs, jobs, school lives, and more ebb and flow. So, it’s best you start practicing now.
