The birth of a baby is one of the most miraculous moments in life. Suddenly, a new human is in the world — and at the very same moment, a mother is created. And because the moment is so important, there are lots of opinions — and misconceptions — about how mothers and babies should spend those first few special moments. There’s also a lot of judgement about how a mom should feel.
That’s what one mom discovered when she had what many might see as a strange reaction the moment she delivered her baby girl, Olivia. Pop that Mumma (@popthatmumma on TikTok) recently shared a video of the first moments of her daughter’s life — and her reaction to it.
The birth, which took place in a tub, ends with a doula or midwife placing the baby in Pop’s arms. But instead of engaging with the baby, or being present and elated, the new mom remains perfectly still and quiet, with her eyes closed.
“It took me eight minutes before I could even look at my baby, a stark contrast to the image we’re often shown of an instant rush of love,” she wrote in the video’s caption. “My experience was different. I NEEDED this time. But the beauty in it was when I finally returned to myself and held Olivia, love poured out of me effortlessly. I felt it with every ounce of my being. Please know if you experience this that it’s OK — you just need a little time to exhale the birth and come back into your body. ”
During the video, the medical professional checks on her and the baby, but remains quiet and respectful of Pop. Her partner also approaches, checks on her and the baby, but allows her to keep her space and take her time.
“I couldn’t look at my baby after birth,” the caption reads. “I was in shock. I needed this time. Time to come back into my body. What that meant is that when I did finally return, I came back WHOLE. Ready to embrace our daughter with my entire being. No one rush me. And I am forever grateful for having this moment.”
While what Pop experienced isn’t the only reaction moms have directly after delivery, it’s also not uncommon at all. And it’s also not concerning or bad for mom or baby.
In the doula community, what this mom experienced is sometimes called a “birth pause,” a term likely coined by midwife Karen Strange, that explains the moment after the birth in which a mother might need time to process the labor and birth and need some time alone in her body before slowly coming back to the world and meeting her new kid.
The phenomenon is also written about extensively by doula Mary Esther Mallory in her article, “Waiting to Inhale: How to Unhurry the Moment of Birth,” which was published in the Journal of Perinatal Education in 2011.
“You have to exhale the birth before you can inhale the baby,” she writes eloquently in the paper.
Mallory suggests in the article that health professionals helping with births should give moms the option for a birth pause after delivery by placing the child next to or near her instead of encouraging immediate interaction — or expecting an immediate outpouring of joy or love. After all, doesn’t it make sense that the huge moment of birthing a child and becoming a mother might necessitate a moment of processing and chill?
In the comments, many parents shared that they needed a birth pause, too.
“I was so traumatized by the pain and long ordeal that when it was finally over repeating I can’t believe what just happened,” one mom shared. “Took some time to snap back into reality.”
“Thank you for normalizing this,” another mom wrote. “I felt like the worst mom in the world because I didn’t want to hold my baby the second she came out. I had a 36 hour labour and was absolutely exhausted. Needed a minute!”
A few L&D nurses spoke up, too.
“This is a totally normal reaction,” one nurse wrote. “I’ve seen this many times. Please do not let anyone make you feel bad about this.”
“As a nurse who worked in this area, I have seen this many times,” another wrote. “And we were taught not to push this on our new Mamabear. We had to let her connect on her own time. Birthing can be a shock, both to mind and body.”
One of the most frustrating parts of being a parent is the fact that you are judged constantly — and this judgement can start literally at the moment of birth. Let’s realize that there are many totally natural and normal ways to feel in the seconds and minutes and hours after birth. And let’s also realize that moms sometimes just need a minute!
