The lucky among us will grow up with a warm, loving, joyful relationship with their grandparents. Many studies have pointed to the idea that having a relationship with grandparents contributes to a child’s well-being as well as a grandparent’s. But there’s a key element in these studies that is often overlooked: the parents and grandparents have to get along in the first place. It’s something TikTok user Janelle Marie, who posts as @millennialmatleave, pointed out in a recent video that’s resonated with her followers and others on the platform.
Do grandparents add to our kids’ lives if they are toxic to be around?
Janelle is very open about her bad relationship with her mother-in-law, and her account seeks to help others in her position feel less alone in that. In a recent video, she shared footage of her son playing quietly with the caption, “Imagine choosing not to spend time with your grandkids because you are unable to be polite to their mom. Couldn’t be me.”
In what appears to be a now-deleted comment, one TikTok user responded, “The only one you are hurting are the kids and you,” prompting Janelle to post her own response video.
“I don’t think the kids are hurting if they aren’t exposed to a grandparent or family member that makes their parents feel like crap,” she says.
She went on to note that kids only know what they’re exposed to, and if that includes happy parents unburdened by the stress of a tense or toxic relationship with a grandparent, to say nothing of grandparents who make good relationships with everyone in the family a priority, then they’re going to be fine.
“They’re not losing out, they’re not hurting, they have other people in their life that make them feel good,” she continues. “Yes, grandparents are incredibly beneficial for children only if they are not problematic.”
But will her kids grow up to resent her for not encouraging a relationship with the now-estranged grandparent? It’s possible, she concedes, but notes that “there’s a whole bunch of us rolling those dice.”
She says she believes her children’s compassion and empathy will enable to them to understand, even as small children, why their mom isn’t promoting a relationship with someone who treats them so poorly.
The comments section was full of agreement, from people who have been in situations like this on all sides.
“I’m the (now adult) child in this scenario,” replied one commenter. “I wish my parents had cut my grandparents off. Watching them emotionally abuse my mom and aunts was painful and damaging.”
“My mother used to tell me how horrible her grandmother treated her mother,” said another. “Her her grandmother passed when she was a child. So yeah, kids remember.”
“My eyes opened when my daughter said, ‘I love my family, but I don’t like how they treat my mom,’” a third shared. “I only talk to one person on my side of the family now. The kids see and they know.”
And so, contentious relatives and in-laws, take note: Millennial women aren’t putting up with this nonsense anymore. We’re happy to work with you, but make no mistake we’re going to have to work on this together.
